The answers you’ve been searching for.

And some you haven’t been searching for, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know!

Have you ever been abducted by aliens? How could you tell?

Unfortunately Bruce has been instructed by certain government authorities not to reveal information relating to this incident. Sorry.

I’m pretty sure my teacher really IS an alien. What should I do?

Send me her phone number.

Can aliens pick their noses?

Can and do.

Of course this partially depends on the number of noses on the alien in question and their location respective to other appendages, tendrils, etc. But generally, yes.


I have a repetetive nightmare where I wake up in the body of a six-legged telepathic blue guy with a giant eyeball. My parents want to know if you’ll pay for therapy.

Please contact my attorney, Ronald Hoffstien, or, preferably, the Charitable Foundation for the Rehabilitation of Children Permanently Marred by Juvenile Science Fiction Writers (or CFRCPMJSFW). I understand they have an very good track record with your sort of problem, for which I entirely disclaim any and all responsibility whatsoever. Sorry.

Where can I get one of those propellor beanies like they have in the Planet of the Dips? I have tried and tried, but I can’t make mine work.

They are available on planet Dip from the Universal Propeller Beanie Corporation, Unlimited, for about $9.99 qurlats or equivalent galactic currency. Their mailing address is:

Universal Propeller Beanie Corporation
Central Nebular Core
Quadrant 3
Star Code FHHDS
Planet IV, Condentian Land Area
Plesgonin Mill Drive
Kumquat. Dipland
ZIP 0928163987213y58731587643159873

Unfortunately return mail service and shipping is approximately 3 billion Earth US dollars. I suggest you save up your pennies.


Do Aliens pass gas? If so, what color is it? Is it poisonous?

Oh do they. The worst gas passed by any alien known to man is the dreaded frablax knoontventnor of Ixpatian Delta 12; radioactive, fluorescent, deadly at 3 parsecs to all other known lifeforms, and smells like three-week-old swamp rat roadkill on a hot day at the equator of Ninax El 2.

The only (living) scientists to have observe the spectacular emissions of the frablax knoontventnor are permanently hospilitized on the sanatorium planet of Krelax 4. They weep constantly and beg for death.


When alien space ships exceed light speed, what keeps the aliens from being splattered into vapor by the G forces? Is inertia curable?

The ITR Vaponix Corporation of Debeb V has patented a device for the re-compositation of vaporized life forms, used in all ships of the known interstellar civilizations since c. 63842 (standard galactic year) to date. In other words, nothing. When the space ships exceed the speed of light, the passengers and crew are routinely splattered into vapor by the acceleration forces. Then they are re-assembled from their component molecules by the Vaponix recompositor. Needless to say, this is not a pretty process. Sorry.

Was Shakespeare an alien too?

No. Sorry.

Can you touch your eyeball with your tongue?


Are you thinking of starting a summercamp?

I have, but due to certain incidents referenced under question (1), I have been advised by my insurance carrier that they are unable to cover the off-planet transport of non-dependent minors. Sorry.