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hey Bruce! thanks for everything!
i wanted to share the description of Lila with you and see what you think of it.
There was a teenage girl standing in the doorway about 12 feet away from them. She was lean, about 5 4 in height, and very beautiful. She wore a red and blue outfit that revealed her arms, the lower half of her legs, and her midsection. Her skin was beige, and had a slight glow to it. She had sandal-like brown leather shoes on her feet, and wore a bright red full length cape secured around her neck with the same kind of chain as Byrons green cloak. She also had very pretty brown hair that extended down to her waist, her lips were thin, and her eyes were of a deep blue, like the sea after a violent tempest.
is this a good enough description of her? or is there something i'm missing? PLEASE let me know!
Byron Lee
i wanted to share the description of Lila with you and see what you think of it.
There was a teenage girl standing in the doorway about 12 feet away from them. She was lean, about 5 4 in height, and very beautiful. She wore a red and blue outfit that revealed her arms, the lower half of her legs, and her midsection. Her skin was beige, and had a slight glow to it. She had sandal-like brown leather shoes on her feet, and wore a bright red full length cape secured around her neck with the same kind of chain as Byrons green cloak. She also had very pretty brown hair that extended down to her waist, her lips were thin, and her eyes were of a deep blue, like the sea after a violent tempest.
is this a good enough description of her? or is there something i'm missing? PLEASE let me know!
Byron Lee
Reply by Bruce Coville
Hi, Byron -
It's a very vivid and clear description. I would suggest two possible changes. (1) I think "about 5' 4" in height" is too specific . . . it's as if there's a measuring stick right beside her. I'd go with something like "a bit over 5 feet in height". (2) Conversely, "very pretty brown hair" is too vague. Why/how is it pretty? Is it glossy? Is the color particularly rich? Is it long and thick? "Very" is almost always a wasted word . . . I go through my manuscripts it cut it as often as I can. And "pretty" doesn't convey much information.
I realize that suggestion 2 is almost the reverse of suggestion 1. The difference lies in what one can observe with a quick inspection.
Over all, good work! Carry on!!
Bruce
It's a very vivid and clear description. I would suggest two possible changes. (1) I think "about 5' 4" in height" is too specific . . . it's as if there's a measuring stick right beside her. I'd go with something like "a bit over 5 feet in height". (2) Conversely, "very pretty brown hair" is too vague. Why/how is it pretty? Is it glossy? Is the color particularly rich? Is it long and thick? "Very" is almost always a wasted word . . . I go through my manuscripts it cut it as often as I can. And "pretty" doesn't convey much information.
I realize that suggestion 2 is almost the reverse of suggestion 1. The difference lies in what one can observe with a quick inspection.
Over all, good work! Carry on!!
Bruce